Posted on July 25 2018
I’m just complaining….
I used to think that I would be the cutest pregnant person ever. I know people don’t say that stuff aloud, but I seriously did. No shame here. I would talk about it with my friends who politely agreed while probably thinking about how I am the most obnoxious version of myself. But I just had this vision of a carefree, laid-back version of myself. I can see it now, this poised woman standing on her front porch, barefoot, belly- just perfectly round, hair blowing in the breeze, looking thoughtfully to the stars contemplating all forms of serious things while casual passerby look at her in envy. Maybe it's my flair for the dramatic, but it was a very real idea to me at the time.
But NONE of that is the case. Complete FANTASY.
I hate being pregnant. I am not a fan. I am not a graceful pregnant person at all. I am MISERABLE. It’s been absolutely one of the toughest 7-month stretches of my life. And everyone around me, including my doctors, have commented on my shortcomings in the ‘carrying a child to term’ department.
And you know what, that sucks.
It really is one thing for me to admit it, being the self-aware person that I am, but it is quite another to have everyone in your life including your DOCTORS tell you that you are not “good” at this super important thing you are doing. I had one doctor say “well I guess we can’t count on you to have 6 babies then huh?” No bitch, you cannot. Insert polite laughter…
The ONLY person to be kind to me about this entire process is Liam. And well, I guess that’s the point isn’t it? He, somehow, not only sympathizes with how hard this has been for me- he has been there every step of the way. He’s been more than willing to take on whatever I need, and he has been the absolute best partner I could ask for. I feel like he should get a medal- but I wouldn’t tell him that to his face because then he might ask me for one, and TBH I’m the one who really wants a metal. In the form of jewelry….. (I’m just gonna leave this nugget here, for when he stalks my blog)
To be fair or maybe just to justify my uncomfortableness it should be known that I wasn’t healthy when I got pregnant. I had 2 rounds of pneumonia and just could not get better. It was the sickest I have been in my adult life. I had taken multiple rounds of antibiotics and steroids and was left feeling depleted and weak. I ended up reaching out to an old friend who had just joined a very progressive medical practice in the area, and we worked together to get my health back on track. We stopped taking birth control and started taking natural vitamins and supplements to try to level out my hormones and get my body back to homeostasis.
Needless to say, neither my “advanced age” or years of ovary abuse stopped us from getting pregnant VERY quickly.
Our plan was for NEXT year – but this little baby had his own plans.
And that is really the thing. This miracle happened. It's something I have always wanted with someone who I love in a go down in history big love movie worthy kind of way. So I never expected it to be THIS hard. I just assumed I would love it, and be that version of perfect preggo I had pictured in my mind.
But since I am the official poster child for Worst Pregnant Woman … EVER, I have come to sort of accept the moniker. There is a myriad of reasons that I am bad at this, and honestly, I don’t feel like apologizing to anyone. It doesn’t mean I won’t be a good mom, it doesn’t say I won’t love this little nugget. It just means I am not PERFECT. I am not even GREAT. I am just me, and my journey is unique.
My point is this - if you are on this journey and you feel all the guilt and other negative feelings associated with not feeling like you are in the world’s biggest blessing, just give yourself the right to feel that way and LET IT GO. It’s okay. Your world is changing and shifting and so is your body. You don’t have to be anyone’s version of perfect or even GOOD. You just have to be you. And I assure you if I can do it - so can you.
I’m not going to be the poster child for anyone’s version of anything on this parenthood journey, but I know I will have lots of love and lots of fun - and isn’t that how we got ourselves into this predicament in the first place?
I like to think so…