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Sleepless in Motherhood.

Posted on February 03 2019

The thing is, I like to sleep. You know a lot of people say they like to sleep. I really like to sleep.
As in, person: “what do you do for fun”...
Me: “oh I sleep, dude.”
Sidenote, a lot of dudes, were NOT amused at that answer when I was dating.

But honestly, I did not have time to make up cute hobbies - I was worried about when I was going to get back to sleep.  So you know, the number one thing I heard before Maddox being born was “I don’t know how you are going to handle the lack of sleep.”  

Before you have a kid, everyone and I do mean everyone, will expound about how “you never get sleep,” and just like many other things people told me, it went in one ear and out the other.

I mean, I was aware that I wouldn’t be able to continue my favorite day -off tradition of sleeping until 4 pm. I obviously wouldn’t have much time to sit around and do nothing on my days off. My days of late-night drinking with girlfriends and brunching will be replaced with early mornings playtime and late night feedings.

Entering into motherhood in your mid 30’s you are not under delusions of grandeur about keeping up your 20 - something habits (and, should you be doing shots in a bar at 2 am?? Really??). AND EVERYONE will readily tell you how different your life is going to be. It’s almost felt as if people were trying to talk me out of this motherhood thing. Telling me how different my life would be and how hard it would be. I have to say I rarely heard a word of how much fun it is to be a parent.

As a person who doesn’t like the word “change” that made me extremely uneasy. I loved my life. I wanted what I had built, with grit and perseverance over the last three decades. I was proud of exactly who I was, and I liked my life the way it was. I cognitively knew that my life would change, but no one ever wants to hear, especially on repeat, that the decision to have a child is going to RUIN your life and let's face it - that sums up basically what people tell you.

There’s this sense of reckoning that everyone tries to bestow on you. There’s a foreboding tone that’s almost admonishing — begging you to rethink your decision because “You have it so easy.”

So I went into this motherhood thing super uneasy, on the verge of terrified, and half-way thinking I was going to implode when the baby arrived. And to be honest, what I have found is pure happiness.

Sure, the nights are hard, and sometimes the days are hard. You’re not your own person because you are beholden to this tiny baby who needs you to survive, but it's fucking awesome. Some days are crazy-making, isolating, and make you want to scream and other days you are moved to tears multiple times at the love
that swells in your heart as you hold or play with or kiss your little creation. I’m continually struck by who my little man is. He is currently the perfect combo of Liam, and I and I find my whole world has changed. It’s just not in a foreboding or bad way.  

So I guess the point of my story is this. Yes, the shifts and changes are hard and more than that they are scary. A lot of stuff changes, but your heart changes with it.  At least it has for me. And no matter how fearful you are, or set in your ways, or hormonally strung out - this motherhood thing, it really is worth it.

Just make sure you allow yourself the room to be happy and know that just like life before the baby, you will have good days and bad. The priorities just shift. You can do this mama. You got it. Welcome to Motherhood.

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